everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
