i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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