I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
