Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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