sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
