Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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