It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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