Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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