Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
