It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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