Me. At least after what I've been through.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
