cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
