i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
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