Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
