You smell like stripper and shame
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
