Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
