why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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