she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
