i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
3pm strippers are depressing
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
