There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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