the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
