Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
