i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
