T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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