Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Randomize
