My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
