you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
