I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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