My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
