Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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