if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
