I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
