why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
