just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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