Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I love you. Go after that dick
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
