remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Someone shattered a urinal.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
