Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
