dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
