He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
