I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
