What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
