i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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