I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
