I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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