If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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