There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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