i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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