I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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