when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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