You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
